Not cut off but definitely starting to fray, that bond, those strings between mother and son.
Off he has gone today to meet friends, a normal occurrence yet he has gone further then usual, and is on his bike. I cannot help the scenarios of danger that keep playing through my mind. But he is outside with his friends, which is great I know, boys of his age should be off having adventures, creating stories to share with future friends, girlfriends and even off-spring. I’ve realised that these may be the stories that I will hear the edited version of, or no version at all. After all how much did I tell my parents after playing run-outs in the woods? Or going off on bike rides? Or exploring places that we perhaps shouldn’t have been exploring? Answer….nothing, the standard response of ‘not much’ when asked what had we got up too.
Maybe there was a small fear of getting into trouble that kept lips closed, or perhaps just wanted to keep my experiences and adventures to myself, to remember, share and exaggerate when I wanted too.
But now, experiencing the other side, makes me feel sad. Because regardless of how interested I am in my son and his life, how much I want him to confide in me, he will keep some stuff to himself.
Maybe I thought I would be different parent to my child than my parents were to me, that my son will want to confide in me, that he will see me as a friend as well as a parent. A painful truth of parenting, you are always the parent, never the friend.
So you see the stings are fraying, tearing him away from me. And I find myself back where I was before he was born, wondering what the point of me is, what I want to do with myself, what am I when not mum? Will admit, here hidden by anonymity, that today I feel quite lost.
jane ayre 